im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
