she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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