I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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