My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
