two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
