Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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