just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
