my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
