my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
