I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
