My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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