I'm so fucking centered right now
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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