I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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