I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
