what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
