she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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