Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
