Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
