i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
