so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
