The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
