I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
