shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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