Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
