Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
