I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
