I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
