someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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