We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
