You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
