not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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