I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
