Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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