I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
