i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
