I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
