When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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