When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
