Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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