he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
