i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
