my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
