I could make wine with my vomit
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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