You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
