I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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