between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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