I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
