Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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