The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
ttyl tear gas
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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