Plan B is the new Plan A
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
