I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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