You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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