This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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