He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
