Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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